My Psilocybin Experience
So here’s my psilocybin story. My day began in a mundane way. I met with a roofer to go over a new project. After I met someone for coffee. At noon, I went to the spa center. I was scheduled for a 2 PM session with the shaman. The shaman and receptionist were aware that I had taken the psilocybin and they were supportive of my plan.
While doing my exercises prior to the sauna, I started to feel the effects of the medicine. I was standing on the whole body vibration machine set to the max. I started feeling heavy sensation throughout my body pulling me to the ground. A sense of strong gravity. After 10 minutes I moved to the fitness trampoline and started to jump slowly. I fought the urge to stop jumping. I willed myself multiple times to complete the 10 minute exercise. I then grabbed some dumbbells with (extra weight on my left side (weaker) and lifted for 5 minutes. I entered the sauna.
Fifteen minutes later the receptionist came in to check on me and took me out of the sauna. She ensured that I continued drinking water, making sure I was taking good care of myself. It was useful, as I was lost in a state of bliss in the sauna and all my muscles had become deeply relaxed. I was escorted outside and I made my way to sit under the mango trees to meditate. I recall sitting on the ground for a few minutes until the mosquitoes started biting me. I grabbed my towels and water bottle and went back inside.
I was sitting on the floor and meditating in the corner, just being, existing in a small space. I felt the urge to be completely independent and not be a burden on anyone. I felt myself going to a place of pure bliss without the need for any human help. I was completely in the moment, living mindful, in a state of pure bliss. My mind was blank, nothing was on my mind. It was the ultimate meditation. I had reached my goal. And I had not even begun my session with the shaman.
The receptionist checked up on me during these periods but I was perfect, drinking water here and there, but otherwise in a state of pure zen full bliss. I was almost annoyed that they would need to offer me anything. It felt so good just sitting on the floor meditating. I opened my eyes at times to look around and take in some of the beauty around me. I gazed at the wood paneling of the sauna and it gave me great joy. I was seeing so much beauty around me. I couldn’t contain my feelings. Tears are running down my face. The beauty that I see around me was putting me into it more and more states of pure and more pure bliss. It was the ultimate pleasure. I can’t describe it. During this period, I was called by the shaman to start the session.
We enter the temple. It felt so solemn in there. The music, lights, art, statues, symbolic and other kinds of imagery throughout the room. Altogether created a mystical space to enter into. I am directed to sit on the altar - massage table. I was seated in a meditative pose with my legs crossed and arms resting. The Shaman sat across from me. We mirrored each other’s poses. There was erie meditative music. Incense was burning. It was transcendent.
I begin to describe some of my sensations. She leads me into it and encourages me to enjoy the feelings, go with them, and don’t stifle them. She said to take in all the beauty around me and feel it. Let it move me. Don’t stifle it. Tears were flowing down my face. I am feeling the ultimate beauty in the world washing through me. Every sound and there are a lot of interesting sounds that are being played over the speakers, putting me in that state, are playing on my feelings and emotions.
I realize that this is the ultimate state of pure bliss. I felt as though I was achieving an ultimate meditative state. It felt so good, I understood the oneness that people speak about. I started feeling at one with the universe. The Shaman continues speaking to me and leading me where my mind wants to go. I come to the realization that being in a state of bliss is so perfect, nothing else can match up to it. I realize that life is kind of a metaphor, a shell. I further realize my oneness with nature. I feel part of the universe, something that just lives and dies as a blip in the universe. I imagine myself as a log with moss growing on it. I felt no different than moss growing on a log. I thought that humans need a lot to live our lives peacefully and happily. But if you can control your mind, I realize that you can get into a meditative state of pure bliss that is better than anything else that we can experience in our lives.
I reasoned that you don’t need any special food, sex, experiences, travel, psychoactive substances, alcohol, to feel alive though those should all be enjoyed in moderation. Even a mundane moment can be elevated by the mind to a state of pure bliss. This takes me to mindfulness meditation. To be present. To experience the beauty of the world in every waking moment. To learn to see the beauty and enjoy it.
I realized at that moment that this is what people talk about when experiencing God. I started having intense feelings, trying to steer my mind from God or religious thoughts. I didn’t like the idea of man-made religion’s placing people into boxes and rules of how to live every detail of your life. I didn’t like all of the blood loss and wars that came about because of religions. I realize that humanity screwed up chasing this goal but not achieving it and killing uselessly along the way.
I come to the realization that we need shamans or spiritual guides in life to take us on these trips to these places. To experience these worlds so that we can go on and experience our lives with beauty and mindfulness. I realized that we need temples to ground ourselves and let go to mediate. I understood the need to disconnect from hedonism and physical pleasures in order to enter the realm of pure “?spiritual?” (I know it’s a physical sensation in my body) but I’m also in the state of mind where my body is just a metaphor and I am just moving through the universe as the universe. Feeling the vastness or empty space and time. I began to understand that this is what religion had tried to teach me about achieving this pure state of bliss but they had gone about it the wrong way and instead focused on the details and rituals without any of the “spirit” or actually putting myself into this amazing zen state.
I feel that this state of bliss is so much better than any physical pleasures that we should all be entering into this state and “living it” but in fact that would be human death and that is something I began understanding at that moment. The feeling of crossing over to the other side. To become part of the universe as our atoms and continue to experience the state of nirvana with the universe.
At times I was having a hard time working through these issues and I remember a tightness in my chest and heart. I cried out that it’s so hard to have these changes. It kind of felt like a spiritual birth. Or awakening.
I remember thinking science can’t explain this state. That science has a hard time measuring the spirit. It occurred to me that we can become super human in many ways than why not in the mind and being able to put oneself into a kind of long term hibernation of constant mediation and oneness with the universe.
Fear that I would want to remain in the state forever. Felt like I would be entering the other side. But my family. They are fellow travelers with me in this journey but at death they are shed. I shed my family and felt ready to shed my body for the pure spiritual state of bliss and oneness. I felt fear of this state as I knew my family needed me and I couldn’t meditate like this forever or actually cross over. This is the most creepy part of all. Because during these realizations I felt that the ultimate pure state is with the shedding of family, body, and passing over to the eternal state of oneness with the universe.
I realized that you don’t need a shaman mushroom combo. That this state could be achieved with meditation and mindfulness. And practice. Lots of practice. You can learn to experience the beauty without being overwhelmed by it. Without the need for a guide to get you there.
I keep trying to figure things out. And I ask why and I realize why is the wrong question. It just is. We just are. We exist. We don’t have to know why. It doesn’t matter. I felt at peace with existence. The shaman reminded me to clear my mind and just be an observer. Stop trying to figure it out. You can observe the world, experience all of its beauty. You can enter into the blissful zen state and not know why as why doesn’t matter.
I become aware of my body lying on the bed, my body shaking In pure bless. I was feeling waves and waves of pleasure rolling through my body. It was constant and pure, unending pleasure that lasted for a few hours. I remember many moments of feeling fully connected with the universe.
I am the universe.
An extension of it. I felt the pure existence and it was so free and my mind was in a state of comfort and relaxation. Nothingness. Emptiness. A vast void of my mind just peaceful existing as the universe. Only aware of it for the first time. Awake. I had awoken to the beauty of just being and existing as the universe. I have always existed as part of it and I always will. My cells and molecules. My energy. Our energy. All one.
ONE
Universal universe. Every so often the hum of the shaman pierced my essence and helped me just float in existence. Pure and perfect existence and mindfulness.
After rejecting the notion originally to go outside and “integrate “ back into the world, I eventually trust the shaman and we walk outside to sit across from each other meditating under the mango tree. I don’t recall much of our discussion. I do remember staring into her eyes and sharing of pure love. We hugged and said goodbye. I was done. Back in reality. It was a truly life changing mind blowing experience. A spiritual experience. I have known a lot of this before from hearing and reading about it but experience is more powerful. Most powerful.
I need to live my life in this world but live it mindfully. Live every moment and find the kernel of beauty in every moment. Upon death or as I felt it as crossing over to the other side, I shed my physical body and left as pure energy carries on in the universe. I was blown away. I wasn’t expecting all this when I arranged this experience. I was hoping learn how to meditate and live my life to the fullest and I found this spiritual state of affairs. This was my awakening to spirit.
