Wrestling With Faith

 I am loving awareness. Ram Dass

Shema yisrael adonoy elohainu adonoy echod. Moses (Deuteronomy 6:4). 

I have been wrestling with questions of faith. A match between my ego and soul. Is there a soul? A god? Is god you and I? All of the infinite universe? How much control does god exert on this universe? These are the questions I have been grappling with lately. Again. As if I haven’t crossed that bridge before! 

Individuals speak of an experience of being part of single consciousness or “becoming god” and then realize that they have always been that, though unaware. Through meditation and mindfulness one can reach a state of constant mindfulness of being. Some will use spiritual practices to get to this state.  I used a chemical called psilocybin to reach this state.

I have been toying with the idea that we are all one consciousness, and that consciousness is called God. I had an experience seeing through the veil, and it seemed that this is all a big energetic myth born out of the abundant “mind” of God and reality is actually unity of consciousness. Is God pure love and creativity and spiritual bliss. Is this a real experience? What is this feeling? Are we truly all god? Is everyone and everything just one energy source and one single consciousness called God?

To me it seems so. That is my intuition. Scientists and philosophers have trouble with the explanation behind consciousness. There is a growing support of a certain degree of consciousness existing in all matter. Leading neuroscientists are even suggesting panpsychism. It’s not a huge leap from there to say that there exists a single unified consciousness. 

Additionally, We all have an abundance, perhaps endless stores of love and creativity. Literally the ability to create- humans, religions, gods, empires, money, art, music, and language. We have the ability to open our hearts and pour out boundless love towards all beings and literally love all matter in the universe. Is that our godliness acting out through our body?

So trusting my experiencing self, my “true, pure, good, godly, self”, I come to the conclusion that God exists as I exist as we exist. All god. All one conscious being experiencing itself in all of nature. 

How much of nature is controlled by the will of god. Is there karma? Hashgacha pratis (divine providence)? I feel that we act in our natures. Based on our prior experiences, we act out scripts or programs.  We make choices based on our programs. Our prior experiences shaped us to make us into who we are and that is built on generations of nurture and nature.  

Humans act out the script. When we act, we do so based on all our programs and prior scripts. Is that free will? I wouldn’t call it so. To me free will is an illusion. Humans act and do what humans do like trees act and do what trees do. Do trees have free will? No. Similarly, humans don’t have it but in a more complex way. We also have the ego fooling us into believing that we are indeed making choices.

What happens when you rise above all of those programs and shed your ego for non-duality? You become one with all. Some have realized that this life that we live physically is but a mirage of energy in the conscious experience of the one. There are people that permanently rose above their programs and only function in unity with constant mindful awareness as being God. Is that what it means to be holy? Is this worthy of worship and devotional study?  Yes. Is there a purpose to this? God playing God.